Review: T-Shirts for Legends(TM) T-shirt for Men born in December
Description: Black-T-shirt with the image of a silhouetted figure of a bat-winged humanoid with the following text overlaying: THE DEVIL WHISPERED IN MY EAR, “YOU’RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND THE STORM.” TODAY I WHISPERED IN THE DEVIL’S EAR, “NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A MAN WHO WAS BORN IN DECEMBER. I AM THE STORM.”
As a man who was born in July and a man who is not a legend, I am not the targeted demographic for this particular t-shirt. Despite this, I still feel that I would be reticent to buy such a shirt, even if it were to insert my birth month into its wall of text.
“But why?” you may ask as you admire the sheer artistry this t-shirt company displays in overlaying such poetic text over someone else’s unattributed artwork. Indeed, it is difficult to resist such a t-shirt, particularly when it is being modelled by a man who appears to have just bench-pressed a small car.
Am I masculine enough to wear the same t-shirt as this walking personification of testosterone? I ask myself. I, who struggle to lift a basket of laundry?
These are difficult questions to answer, particularly when I get the sense that the model advertising this shirt will, at any moment, turn around and angrily accost me for not voting for Trump or for being a Muslim Mexican or for (trying to) carry laundry when it’s a woman’s job. Worse, mentioning that I am Canadian would only serve to increase his rage. Placating him might involve saying nice things about his tattoos, and I am not sure I could lie convincingly about that tribal tattoo on his right arm.
I should be fair and not judge a man by how he appears. He might actually be a very nice man. Although, he is wearing a shirt that declares that he just whispered his birth month into the devil’s ear earlier this morning. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, and I am not certain that I want to hang around a fellow that fraternizes so regularly with the devil that they are regularly whispering in one another’s ears like schoolchildren playing that telephone game.
Another potential hiccup with this t-shirt is the fact that it appears to be designed for men who take up two seats on the bus rather than the standard one seat. I am a rather slim man, and most definitely take up one seat on the bus. If I were to wear a shirt designed for a two-seater man, I would end up looking as though I were wearing a nightgown or the black sailcloth of a small schooner. I have not bothered to research whether the t-shirt comes in smaller sizes because I found it difficult to summon the requisite curiosity.
One great thing about black t-shirts is that, unlike white t-shirts, the consequences of spilling ketchup or barbecue sauce or chicken grease are far less noticeable. A word of caution to potential buyers, though, as black t-shirts do attract intense sunlight and make even the slightest case of dandruff very noticeable. These problems can be solved by not wearing the t-shirt on a sunny day and by using Head and Shoulders shampoo respectively.
Despite having the awesome power of the internet at my fingertips, I cannot be bothered to research whether this particular shirt is cotton. My assumption is that it is indeed cotton, perhaps mixed with some poly-whatsit-fabric and such and such. My guess is that this shirt is fairly comfortable. Judging by the model, who has not broken out into hives and is not itching himself obsessively at the moment of this snapshot, the shirt will not cause undo discomfort. It should be pointed out, however, that this model would probably look just as comfortable in a chicken-wire and steel wool blended fabric.
The designer of this t-shirt, clearly knows their way around a google image search and likely has some decent photoshop abilities. Readily noticeable in the text is the shockingly correct usage of “You’re.” Perhaps the designer had feedback after the original design’s launch, guessed the usage correctly, or heeded the advice of the grammar check on their word processing software.
Some questions remain: Did the unattributed artist* who drew the bat-like man give his permission for the image to be used by T-Shirts for Legends ™? Does the devil put a lot of stock in birth months? Should those born in December really be giving the devil free advice on how to approach people born in that particular month? Where is the model’s neck? How much time elapsed between when the devil first whispered in the man’s ear and when he finally got back to the devil? Because you definitely lose points for taking so long to come up with comeback a day after the fact.
Conclusion: I will both recommend and discourage the purchase of this shirt. Reluctantly, I cannot recommend this shirt for my friends. First of all, none of you are “Legends” and the name of this company clearly delineates that their t-shirts are designed only for “Legends.” If you are a friend of mine and you still decide to wear this shirt, despite not being a legend, I would only ask that you do not wear it when I am around because I will look even less manly than usual beside you. If you are not a friend of mine and you decide to wear this shirt, you might lose the potential to become my friend because of how intimidated I will be by you. So, if you want to avoid having me as a friend, I highly recommend this shirt.
*the artist who created the image is named Ian Hinley. He was not attributed or paid by T-Shirts for Legends(TM), because, apparently, the legends who work there are also assholes.